Someone Check on Jake Gyllenhaal

Picture: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Pictures for The Rock and Roll Corridor of Fame

It’s Friday (Taylor’s Model). For these much less fluent in Swiftie, this implies it’s the discharge day of the ten-minute model of “All Too Properly” off Taylor Swift’s re-recorded model of her 2012 album Crimson. Please, attempt to sustain.

“All Too Properly,” regardless of not being a single of the unique album, has turn out to be one in all Swift’s most beloved songs. Thus, an prolonged model of the observe is a present to followers, a blessing to our ears, and a pox upon Jake Gyllenhaal. (The track is allegedly about the actor, whom Swift dated on the finish of 2010. There’s a nine-year age hole between the 2; that is vital info for later.) Save for truly saying the phrases, “This track is about Jake Gyllenhaal,” Swift has all but confirmed their relationship impressed “All Too Properly.”This new model comes with many scrumptious new lyrics that followers have already rabidly devoured. She references a keychain that claims “FUCK THE PATRIARCHY.” She talks about “weeping in a celebration lavatory” after somebody, ahem, didn’t present as much as her twenty first birthday. She sings, “You stated if we had been nearer in age possibly it might have been high quality / And that made me wish to die.” After which, the kicker, the dessert, the pièce de résistance, the road that begins the ultimate verse of the track:

“And I used to be by no means good at telling jokes however the punch line goes / I’ll become older however your lovers keep my age.”

Owie! For these questioning whether or not Swift is fearful in regards to the doable response from individuals who impressed songs off Crimson — e.g., Gyllenhaal, who, apropos of nothing, is allegedly at the moment dating 25-year-old model Jeanne Cadieu — right here’s what she instructed Seth Meyers: “I haven’t considered their expertise, to be sincere.” Double owie!!!

In case you actually wish to go all out in your celebration of “All Too Properly,” now you can order a latte “Taylor’s Model” from Starbucks. (It’s a grande caramel nonfat latte, if it sounds bodily painful to look a barista within the eyes and ask for “Taylor’s Model.) On the very least, it’ll tide you over till tonight’s premiere of the “All Too Well” short film. A blessed Crimson (Taylor’s Model) to all. | Somebody Examine on Jake Gyllenhaal


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