Porn stars force men not to buy crypto and NFT

When I hang out with men, I’ve heard them discuss sports gambling. Now, they brag about investments in crypto, NFTs, meme stocks, funky SPACs, and shady tech ETFs. I would approve of these so-called assets if I knew my brothers only had what they could bear to lose, but my friends still tell me, “These are investments. Best investment I could make. I will kill people. I’m putting all my money into this coin, and you should too! ”

“You should have a diversified portfolio of index funds and ETFs,” I say.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Cherie,” they replied. “You need to watch this YouTube video and do your research!”

Every woman I know has had this conversation with a man in their life. Since March 2020, more and more men are trading stocks every day. They will buy one tech stock and sell the next based on advice from Reddit. Even worse, many people are pouring their future retirement money into bitcoin or something more speculative than bitcoin: sketchy new cryptocurrencies pumped (and then dumped) by influencers, celebrities and even porn stars. When women try to speak sensibly to men, we all hear the same answer: “Do your research!”

I did my research and I found that people who invest in speculators lose their shirts. Everyone from the Securities and Exchange Commission to researchers in Taiwan has found that most day traders lose money. Most professional traders also lose money. From 2011 to 2021, the S&P 500 index fund outperformed the “top” hedge funds. Average participants should place their funds in a Roth IRA, or an IRA that is invested in diversified index funds and ETFs. In any case, anyone should invest their entire retirement in a new cryptocurrency promoted by an Instagram model or an obnoxious tech executive.

When I sent this factual research to my male friends, they didn’t care and told me I was behind my time. Essentially, men are blind to crypto. So I decided to teach them a lesson or two in my own right.

On Tax Day, I’ll be releasing a porn movie called Suze Whoreman. In the movie, a couple of the opposite sex struggles because the male lead keeps wasting money on NFT. His girlfriend takes him to see a financial advisor, thinking she’s lesbian financial icon Suze Orman, but it’s Suze Whoreman (played by me, of course). Then I dominated the male until he started investing in index funds and ETFs instead of ape-branded crypto junk. At the end of our talk, he was a Boglehead addicted to index funds.

The video may sound ridiculous, but we need to act silly to straighten men’s finances. Men love crypto, monkey NFTs, and speculative assets because they appeal to men’s risk-prone brains. According to the National Library of Medicine, 150 studies show that men take more risks than women and that men are twice as likely to gamble than women. Men refuse to listen to investment advice because it is boring. Meanwhile, gambling addiction experts told CNBC that Robinhood (day traders’ favorite app) is like a casino. Women are okay with boring advice (Fidelity Investments found that women are 40% better at investing than men), but we need to teach men in a way that attracts their attention. And what do men love more than gambling? Sex. I am educating through porn because it will attract male attention.

Sure, it can be “problematic” to talk in such trivial terms about an entire gender. But as a porn star who caters to men’s secret desires, I know a thing or two about men.

The stakes are too high to not rely on porn as a financial education platform. After the collapse of the 2000 tech bubble, many days traders stopped investing because they saw investing as a waste of cash. Then they lose on the upside. If young men don’t invest well today, they may struggle to retire. And as older adults struggle to retire and pay their bills, we all have trouble holding a check. I’ll fuck whoever I have to so we can save the men’s future retirement accounts.

I didn’t film Suze Whoreman because I want. I filmed it because I had to. If the financial advisors can’t wake them up, I’m going to use my boobs and ass to do the work for them because porn is just the fake (pun intended) I have.