My husband and I have three grown children whom we love dearly and want them to lead healthy, productive, ethical, and loving lives.
Like many siblings, although they were raised in the same family, they lead separate lives with different beliefs and perspectives. We don’t always agree with them, but respect them nonetheless as adults.
Even so, we still let them know how we feel as parents and remind them of how they were raised. And yes, there have been some heated discussions over the years, but in the end we learned that our relationships were more important than politics or religious beliefs.
However, sometimes the fruit rolls very far from the tree. We have a daughter who lives in another state and has refused to contact us for over two years, and simply doesn’t want us to know anything about her life.
‘Are we taking revenge or malice when considering abandoning her, or just fact and reality?’
She criticized and mocked our family values, and even accused us of things that never happened. She did this both on social media and in person.
She told us we were toxic parents, and she didn’t need the stress we put on her by our beliefs. YES. That’s how she feels. We are heartbroken by her words and accusations, and her siblings are also confused and think she will make it through.
We tried to contact her, but we were ignored. She made her point clear. She is married and has a good career – and, I suppose, a happy life without our “stress”.
At times, I feel that she is no longer my daughter. At least, she didn’t want to. My husband and I have even considered removing her from our will, but go back and forth, especially when we think of her as a child.
But then we decided that she would always be our child, and would inherit her share, which today would be about $2 million or more. Honestly, I don’t think she would even care if we stripped her of her inheritance.
Are we taking revenge or malice considering abandoning her, or just practical and realistic? Should we give her the benefit of the doubt and show our love unconditionally, and leave her to our will?
My children do not know the value of their inheritance, as we have always lived frugally. They also don’t know that we’re considering releasing their siblings against our will.
We’re in our 60s and hopefully for a few more decades, but you never know – and we’ll need to update our will anyway, whether we decide to cut leave his daughter or not.
Trees give away
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Treat your children equally, in life and in death. The breakdown of a relationship is rarely, if ever, the responsibility of one party. Whether the conflict is political, ideological or personal, someone always believes they are right.
If you cut her off from your will, you will leave behind painful and hurt feelings. It suggests – or worse, confirms – that your love is conditional. If your daughter is responsible, $2 million will make a huge difference to her.
Some apples should roll away from the tree. Children should think for themselves about how they want to live their lives. If you want your daughter to be happy and live up to your terms, resist the urge to punish her.
This study was published in European Journal of Aging reviewed 55 cases involving heirs, donors and professionals, trying to understand people’s motives and mistakes when dividing their assets among their heirs.
Researchers have identified four reasons that leave people with an inheritance: altruism is motivated by family solidarity (it feels good to be nice), equity to maintain family solidarity, egoism, and reciprocity (“I give you if you give me”).
‘If you want your daughter to be happy and live on her terms, resist the urge to punish her.’
“Altruistic motivation is based on family values (shared by heirs and donors), aimed at maintaining family identity, so the inheritance of moral principles is valued. in the absence of material succession,” the authors write.
“Equality-oriented motivation lies in maintaining family ties – avoiding conflict – and recognizing individual needs,” they added. In other words, equity and family cohesion are not mutually exclusive.
If you want to control your daughter in life and she is rebellious, you have the ability to use money to amplify that message to your will. You have another choice: let go of the malice and misunderstanding. Do it for her, and for yourself.
You write, “There have been some heated discussions over the years, but in the end we learned that our relationships were more important than politics or religious beliefs.” Sometimes, the answer lies in the question.
It’s easy to say that when it’s not my money. However, including her in your will is a declaration – regardless of your personal disagreements and differences in worldview – that you love her unconditionally.
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More movies by Quentin Fottrell:
https://www.marketwatch.com/story/my-daughter-no-longer-speaks-to-me-or-my-husband-and-mocked-our-family-values-do-we-cut-her-out-of-her-2-million-inheritance-11627061416?rss=1&siteid=rss | My daughter no longer speaks to me or my husband, and mocked our family values. Do we cut her out of her $2 million inheritance?